Scott: Nice post, the woman should totally get her $5k back, that's a cheap funeral.
me: Yea.
Scott: You should've told her that, she should feel ashamed of the shotty funeral.
me: Hah, i had to be all gentle and consoling with her, gaytarded, who the hell am I a guidance counselor?
Scott: Hah!
me: Whatever, I can deal, I have my feet up on my desk, its the shit.
Scott: Well I have a room, and windows, and a big-ass comfy chair for torturing clients!
me: My desk chair sucks.
Scott: Ooooh, well, my desk chair is awesome too, but I have a big sofa-chair for the clients.
me: Well, I have a big office with 2 windows , one over looking the ____ stadium, my view destroys yours and i have an L shaped desk!
Scott: I'm a real person (implying he has feelings and I don't, jackass)
me: I'm a bureaucrat!
Scott: I have a horseshoe too, so eat it!!!!!
me: I have a ficus you effer!
Scott: hahaha!
me: I also have uncontrollable farts!
Scott: I have dried eucalyptus because I can't remember to water anything living!
me: ha, I have a secretary to water that shit for me!
Scott: My mom, the receptionist, would water it for me, but I asked her to quit putting in new plants.
me: Hahaha, seriously your mom is the receptionist?
Scott: Yeah
me: Your dad is bonking the secretary!
Scott: Has been for five years or so...
me: Hahaha, boinking her?
Scott: Well...that's how long she's been the secretary
me: Riiight
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
I'm a counselor
"Yes, I don't need a referral but I need someone to answer a question about ethics."
"If you'll explain the situation I'll do what I can."
"Well you see, my mother passed away last week and I'm going to her will reading tomorrow. Before she passed she gave me five thousand dollars to work on a special project, but when she passed I used that money to pay for the funeral. I was so thankful to have that money becuase we just got the payment over and done with, but now I'm afraid that I'm being petty to ask the attorney to be reimbursed from her estate for the expenses. Do you think thats wrong of me to do? My daughter says I'm being petty but it was for a special project of mine and I would really like to have that money back if I can."
".....wellll, ma'am, in my uh, personal opinion...."
This is getting ridiculous.
"If you'll explain the situation I'll do what I can."
"Well you see, my mother passed away last week and I'm going to her will reading tomorrow. Before she passed she gave me five thousand dollars to work on a special project, but when she passed I used that money to pay for the funeral. I was so thankful to have that money becuase we just got the payment over and done with, but now I'm afraid that I'm being petty to ask the attorney to be reimbursed from her estate for the expenses. Do you think thats wrong of me to do? My daughter says I'm being petty but it was for a special project of mine and I would really like to have that money back if I can."
".....wellll, ma'am, in my uh, personal opinion...."
This is getting ridiculous.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
UHHH?
"If theres more than five Mexicans that want the fan off, they can turn it off, so I got fired because of the Mexicans." - To my understanding it takes 6 Mexicans and/or 4 Mexicans and 2 Salvadoreans to turn the fan off.
"Yes, my daughters got picked up last night because one of them bit a security guard at a club." - Can I please have their numbers?
"I'm not lawyer smart" - Obvi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"My ink pen don't write, I need another ink pen" ... ink pen ink pen ink pen
INK PEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Yes, my daughters got picked up last night because one of them bit a security guard at a club." - Can I please have their numbers?
"I'm not lawyer smart" - Obvi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"My ink pen don't write, I need another ink pen" ... ink pen ink pen ink pen
INK PEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Monday, May 19, 2008
Round and Round and Round...
This happens often...
Ring Ring
"Lawyer Referral, how can I help you?"
"i need a lawyer"
"sure, what is the situation briefly"
"i need a lawyer to help me with my case"
"and what is the case sir"
"its a civil case"
"okkkk, and what are the details of the case"
"i have a federal civil case"
"okkk, right, so what kind of lawyer is it that you would be in need of"
"one to handle my lawsuit"
"right, but what are the details of the case so i can get you the right kind of atty"
"its a civil case in federal court"
"yes, but what are the details, what is the case about"
"details?"
"yes, what is the issue?"
"oh, welll, i don't want to be discussing that over the phone.... click"
WHAT?!
Ring Ring
"Lawyer Referral, how can I help you?"
"i need a lawyer"
"sure, what is the situation briefly"
"i need a lawyer to help me with my case"
"and what is the case sir"
"its a civil case"
"okkkk, and what are the details of the case"
"i have a federal civil case"
"okkk, right, so what kind of lawyer is it that you would be in need of"
"one to handle my lawsuit"
"right, but what are the details of the case so i can get you the right kind of atty"
"its a civil case in federal court"
"yes, but what are the details, what is the case about"
"details?"
"yes, what is the issue?"
"oh, welll, i don't want to be discussing that over the phone.... click"
WHAT?!
Friday, May 16, 2008
Claims I've heard
"I was eating a Candy bar and about halfway through I noticed it was full of worms, can I get a lawyer"
"I created a myspace music page and now the record industry has me under surveillance and, I don't know if you know this, but there is technology these days that allows them to beam voices into my head and they are trying to tell me what to do"
"I was abducted from a theater and held captive by 4 military men in their officers quarters. The woman they were with told me that if I told any one they would slit my throat and throw me in a Cotton field. They raped me and beat me and denied me food. I haven't ever told anyone about this and I'm afraid to go to the authorities. One man was from Iraq, one was from Cyprus and one was from Iran. I know there is no way they can be prosecuted. I slept with my mother until I was 18 and I am afraid to do anything on my own. This is all coming out from repressed memory right now."
"There are SNAKES in my apartment. I can't go in there, I haven't been in there since THursday and I can't get my work clothes. I need to sue the land lord!"
"My lawyer told me to sue him, what do I do?"
More to come...
"I created a myspace music page and now the record industry has me under surveillance and, I don't know if you know this, but there is technology these days that allows them to beam voices into my head and they are trying to tell me what to do"
"I was abducted from a theater and held captive by 4 military men in their officers quarters. The woman they were with told me that if I told any one they would slit my throat and throw me in a Cotton field. They raped me and beat me and denied me food. I haven't ever told anyone about this and I'm afraid to go to the authorities. One man was from Iraq, one was from Cyprus and one was from Iran. I know there is no way they can be prosecuted. I slept with my mother until I was 18 and I am afraid to do anything on my own. This is all coming out from repressed memory right now."
"There are SNAKES in my apartment. I can't go in there, I haven't been in there since THursday and I can't get my work clothes. I need to sue the land lord!"
"My lawyer told me to sue him, what do I do?"
More to come...
I'm not evil
Tommy gave me shit yesterday because he claimed my first post was evil and cold-hearted. He called me a monster. He referred to the part where I professed relief and even happiness that the guy on the phone lived on a fixed income allowing me to push him off to call pro bono.
In his description of my account, Tommy quoted a lot of things incorrectly and embellished a lot of the frustrated and cynical sentiment coming from my end of the telephone. However his points did make me think about the tone of that post and how it may sound to people who are not sitting at this desk talking to this wide swath of society all day long. When answering these calls I try not to judge people on their accent or grammar, to do so would be unfair and just plain wrong. I do however judge people on the tone and inflection of their voices, these are absolutely fair game. Some people just sound crazy the way some people just sound bitchy or douchey. It was pretty obvious that this guy yesterday wanted to sue whoever he could get money out of, and since it happened on an MTA bus, for all he knows, MTA is liable for his pain and suffering. That is if it even occured, there was no police report or medical evidence. On that call, Pro Bono was a way to get him off of the line and its something I have to do sometimes because crazy people are tenacious.
So why inundate Pro Bono with crazy people calls rather than the fat cat lawyers to whom I send business everyday? Isn't it better to help Pro Bono out since they're surely strapped for cash, attorneys, and just about everything else that keeps them running? Here-in rests the unpleasant dilemma of doing this job.
The essence of the dillema is this: When we refer cases to lawyers, they pay us a cut of the money they make off of the case, if any. Its a way for them to get a bit of steady business in a volatile market and the small portion we receive keeps us up and running. But, if we send them too many crazies or frivolous suits it eats their time, they lose money, and if it happens too often they take their names off the list and we lose operating costs. So I am the filter, and in many ways it sucks making snap judgements about people and their stories. You risk making a bad judgement and pushing a real person with a real problem around like another piece of paper in this monstrous bureaucracy we live in. So its treat people a little less well than you'd overall want to be treated and keep the business going or play the absolute humanitarian and refer everyone to a lawyer and go bust. In reality its not so clean cut, but I think my point is clear.
This brings me to two calls I had this morning in which both parties wanted to sue a large government entity; the school system and the state health board respectively.
The first lady I spoke with sounded awful, meek and desperate, nearly in tears. I could understand why. She explained to me that over the past 6 months she had been evicted from her home and as a result had her severly disabled son taken from her and placed in a state-run hospital during which time he developed a stage 4 (to the bone) bed-sore requiring numerous surgeries in turn producing ever-mounting medical bills.
This lady had nothing, with nothing coming but more bills and more hardship and she has no idea where to turn or who, if any one, could help her out. To add to the list of sorrows, she is a "student care-giver" and lives off of the disability income that her son earns from the state and federal government. An absolutely bleak situation and I have to figure out whats best for her.
I should point out that it is not in fact "our policy" to refer everyone on a fixed income to Pro Bono, it is simply a good way of getting jack-asses off the line. If they have a legitimate sounding case, we can refer them (although this is another hard thing that I guess I'm not really supposed to decide because I'm not a lawyer). But decide I must and in this case it seems that her best first step is to go to Pro Bono. I tell her that they are a free legal society and that they will help her if they can. I also explain that because she is on an extremely limited income it is her best bet to start there and see if they can do anything for her. They can tell her if she has a case unlike I can and if they cannot help, I tell her to please give me a call back and that I will be happy to refer her to an attorney because she does sound like she has a case for medical negligence. She has said nothing about suing the state, only that she needs help to figure out who can help her with the medical bills. I am more than happy to help this woman, I truly do hope Pro Bono can or another attorney can assist her.
The second lady just went into it, telling me about how her ex-husband had been touching her son and pulling him out of classes, how she wanted to sue those responsible, and on and on and on. She was fairly irate, but a bit incoherent and vague as to what she wanted a lawyer to do. I inquired as to whether she had contacted the police as she had talked about molestation. She had, they had investigated. I asked what she wanted a lawyer to do for her. She wants to sue the school. Because her husband is an employee of the school? Well no, but he works for a company that works within the schools. Its becoming increasingly apaprent that she wants to cook the biggest fish she can fry. Her story doesn't add up and I'm sure (even though I'm not a lawyer) that an attorney would tell her the same thing and not take her case. At this point I have to get rid of her, which is the fun part, selling the Dial-A-Lawyer service. But how that is done shall be saved for a later post.
In his description of my account, Tommy quoted a lot of things incorrectly and embellished a lot of the frustrated and cynical sentiment coming from my end of the telephone. However his points did make me think about the tone of that post and how it may sound to people who are not sitting at this desk talking to this wide swath of society all day long. When answering these calls I try not to judge people on their accent or grammar, to do so would be unfair and just plain wrong. I do however judge people on the tone and inflection of their voices, these are absolutely fair game. Some people just sound crazy the way some people just sound bitchy or douchey. It was pretty obvious that this guy yesterday wanted to sue whoever he could get money out of, and since it happened on an MTA bus, for all he knows, MTA is liable for his pain and suffering. That is if it even occured, there was no police report or medical evidence. On that call, Pro Bono was a way to get him off of the line and its something I have to do sometimes because crazy people are tenacious.
So why inundate Pro Bono with crazy people calls rather than the fat cat lawyers to whom I send business everyday? Isn't it better to help Pro Bono out since they're surely strapped for cash, attorneys, and just about everything else that keeps them running? Here-in rests the unpleasant dilemma of doing this job.
The essence of the dillema is this: When we refer cases to lawyers, they pay us a cut of the money they make off of the case, if any. Its a way for them to get a bit of steady business in a volatile market and the small portion we receive keeps us up and running. But, if we send them too many crazies or frivolous suits it eats their time, they lose money, and if it happens too often they take their names off the list and we lose operating costs. So I am the filter, and in many ways it sucks making snap judgements about people and their stories. You risk making a bad judgement and pushing a real person with a real problem around like another piece of paper in this monstrous bureaucracy we live in. So its treat people a little less well than you'd overall want to be treated and keep the business going or play the absolute humanitarian and refer everyone to a lawyer and go bust. In reality its not so clean cut, but I think my point is clear.
This brings me to two calls I had this morning in which both parties wanted to sue a large government entity; the school system and the state health board respectively.
The first lady I spoke with sounded awful, meek and desperate, nearly in tears. I could understand why. She explained to me that over the past 6 months she had been evicted from her home and as a result had her severly disabled son taken from her and placed in a state-run hospital during which time he developed a stage 4 (to the bone) bed-sore requiring numerous surgeries in turn producing ever-mounting medical bills.
This lady had nothing, with nothing coming but more bills and more hardship and she has no idea where to turn or who, if any one, could help her out. To add to the list of sorrows, she is a "student care-giver" and lives off of the disability income that her son earns from the state and federal government. An absolutely bleak situation and I have to figure out whats best for her.
I should point out that it is not in fact "our policy" to refer everyone on a fixed income to Pro Bono, it is simply a good way of getting jack-asses off the line. If they have a legitimate sounding case, we can refer them (although this is another hard thing that I guess I'm not really supposed to decide because I'm not a lawyer). But decide I must and in this case it seems that her best first step is to go to Pro Bono. I tell her that they are a free legal society and that they will help her if they can. I also explain that because she is on an extremely limited income it is her best bet to start there and see if they can do anything for her. They can tell her if she has a case unlike I can and if they cannot help, I tell her to please give me a call back and that I will be happy to refer her to an attorney because she does sound like she has a case for medical negligence. She has said nothing about suing the state, only that she needs help to figure out who can help her with the medical bills. I am more than happy to help this woman, I truly do hope Pro Bono can or another attorney can assist her.
The second lady just went into it, telling me about how her ex-husband had been touching her son and pulling him out of classes, how she wanted to sue those responsible, and on and on and on. She was fairly irate, but a bit incoherent and vague as to what she wanted a lawyer to do. I inquired as to whether she had contacted the police as she had talked about molestation. She had, they had investigated. I asked what she wanted a lawyer to do for her. She wants to sue the school. Because her husband is an employee of the school? Well no, but he works for a company that works within the schools. Its becoming increasingly apaprent that she wants to cook the biggest fish she can fry. Her story doesn't add up and I'm sure (even though I'm not a lawyer) that an attorney would tell her the same thing and not take her case. At this point I have to get rid of her, which is the fun part, selling the Dial-A-Lawyer service. But how that is done shall be saved for a later post.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
I needs a lawyer
Hi,
As I tell everyone I speak with up front, I am not a lawyer. This however does not deter many people from going into great detail about why they think a lawyer can and WILL be able to take their case. Many people I speak with really do need legal representation of some sort. A good number also just need answers to simple legal questions like "should I file for bankruptcy?" I cannot answer these questions, it is simply my job to point them towards (and in many cases away from) an attorney who can answer their questions.
For example, at this moment there is a man on hold who wants to sue the local transit authorit because a bus driver did not stop him from getting beaten up on the bus. I'm not sure what a bus driver could have done for him or how the transit authority would be responsible for this. In my knowledge a bus drivers' responsibility is to drive the bus, not to monitor what the passengers are doing or act as a bus bouncer. So the question arises, where to point this guy? Do I refer him and his seemingly frivolous suit and have him call a working lawyer with limited time, thus piss of the attorney for refering a frivolous claim? What if his claim is legitimate? What else can I ask to figure out what to do with this guy?
"Ok sir, we'll be happy to refer you, I just need to ask you a couple of questions. What is your first and last name?"
"Cletus VonWinkenstein Wood"
"Ok, thank you. And you are here in the _____ area?"
"Yessir."
"Thank you again. Are you currently living on a fixed income such as social security or disability?" (This is the money question that will give me a way to get rid of him. I buried it with other "questions" so it wouldn't sound like I already knew he probably was on a fixed income given the nature of his desire to sue the local government. If he says no, then I'll give him a lawyer even if I do think he's an idiot. If he says yes, Pro Bono, hands down, done with the call, sorry dude, but no money no lawyer, it may be fucked up but thats the way this world works.
"Uh yessir, I'm on disability."
"Wonderful! I'm going to go ahead and refer you to an agency that is well equipped to handle this sort of case...."
Over and done with, a hash mark by Pro Bono on the calls not referred list and I'm back to finishing this blog entry.
As I tell everyone I speak with up front, I am not a lawyer. This however does not deter many people from going into great detail about why they think a lawyer can and WILL be able to take their case. Many people I speak with really do need legal representation of some sort. A good number also just need answers to simple legal questions like "should I file for bankruptcy?" I cannot answer these questions, it is simply my job to point them towards (and in many cases away from) an attorney who can answer their questions.
For example, at this moment there is a man on hold who wants to sue the local transit authorit because a bus driver did not stop him from getting beaten up on the bus. I'm not sure what a bus driver could have done for him or how the transit authority would be responsible for this. In my knowledge a bus drivers' responsibility is to drive the bus, not to monitor what the passengers are doing or act as a bus bouncer. So the question arises, where to point this guy? Do I refer him and his seemingly frivolous suit and have him call a working lawyer with limited time, thus piss of the attorney for refering a frivolous claim? What if his claim is legitimate? What else can I ask to figure out what to do with this guy?
"Ok sir, we'll be happy to refer you, I just need to ask you a couple of questions. What is your first and last name?"
"Cletus VonWinkenstein Wood"
"Ok, thank you. And you are here in the _____ area?"
"Yessir."
"Thank you again. Are you currently living on a fixed income such as social security or disability?" (This is the money question that will give me a way to get rid of him. I buried it with other "questions" so it wouldn't sound like I already knew he probably was on a fixed income given the nature of his desire to sue the local government. If he says no, then I'll give him a lawyer even if I do think he's an idiot. If he says yes, Pro Bono, hands down, done with the call, sorry dude, but no money no lawyer, it may be fucked up but thats the way this world works.
"Uh yessir, I'm on disability."
"Wonderful! I'm going to go ahead and refer you to an agency that is well equipped to handle this sort of case...."
Over and done with, a hash mark by Pro Bono on the calls not referred list and I'm back to finishing this blog entry.
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