Who's got what - office showdown

Scott: Nice post, the woman should totally get her $5k back, that's a cheap funeral.
me: Yea.
Scott: You should've told her that, she should feel ashamed of the shotty funeral.
me: Hah, i had to be all gentle and consoling with her, gaytarded, who the hell am I a guidance counselor?
Scott: Hah!
me: Whatever, I can deal, I have my feet up on my desk, its the shit.
Scott: Well I have a room, and windows, and a big-ass comfy chair for torturing clients!
me: My desk chair sucks.
Scott: Ooooh, well, my desk chair is awesome too, but I have a big sofa-chair for the clients.
me: Well, I have a big office with 2 windows , one over looking the ____ stadium, my view destroys yours and i have an L shaped desk!
Scott: I'm a real person (implying he has feelings and I don't, jackass)
me: I'm a bureaucrat!
Scott: I have a horseshoe too, so eat it!!!!!
me: I have a ficus you effer!
Scott: hahaha!
me: I also have uncontrollable farts!
Scott: I have dried eucalyptus because I can't remember to water anything living!
me: ha, I have a secretary to water that shit for me!
Scott: My mom, the receptionist, would water it for me, but I asked her to quit putting in new plants.
me: Hahaha, seriously your mom is the receptionist?
Scott: Yeah
me: Your dad is bonking the secretary!
Scott: Has been for five years or so...
me: Hahaha, boinking her?
Scott: Well...that's how long she's been the secretary
me: Riiight